A Gentleman Never Drives in Nevada

On True Sportsmanship

2010-05-05T08:33:00.000-07:00

A gentleman who attends his child's junior sporting event must always remember to bring along a well-refrigerated horse placenta for timely application to sprains, pulled muscles, and other common sports injuries. It is also appropriate for a gentleman to notify other spectators that he will be providing a placenta. This is courteous and eliminates the possibility of redundant placentae.

On the Genus Limulus

2010-05-03T08:53:00.000-07:00

One might think that, due to its unusual appearance, primitive evolutionary status, and inability to right itself when flipped onto its back, there is something ungentlemanly about the Atlantic horseshoe crab.

Such an assumption would be incorrect.

On Financial Literacy

2010-04-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

Contrary to baseless stereotypes, a gentleman values the advice of the fairer sex on all matters financial.

Unless, of course, the lady fails to maintain adequate under-arm hygiene, in which case her financial advice should only be sought if she is of Prussian ancestry.

On Monetary Policy

2010-04-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never depicts another country's monarch on his national currency.

On Notable Quotables

2010-04-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

Much as passion may overtake him, a gentleman must never shout out "semper sic tyrannis!" at the moment of climax. This is particularly important when engaging in coitus after the canine fashion.

On Straight Stunting

2010-04-27T11:40:00.000-07:00

As there are few aphrodisiacs more potent than the scents of danger and masculine ox-rump, a gentleman is not above "ghost-riding the oxcart" in order to impress a female acquaintance.

On Maximum Slayage

2010-04-22T13:32:00.000-07:00

Because he values maximum slayage, a gentleman's preferred axe should be the Flying V.

The Sousaphone finishes a close second, while the dulcimer rounds out the top three.

On Maintaining One's Sense of Wonder

2010-04-21T17:10:00.000-07:00

At minimum, a gentleman's daily routine should include two to three minutes spent quietly contemplating the power of ghosts to compose and send e-mails.

On Guilt by Association

2010-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

A gentleman must never consume wine which has come into direct contact with beef jerky, unless of course the potable is of a boxed vintage.

On Paraplegia

2010-04-19T18:38:00.000-07:00

Yea, though the days stretch long and the feet grow weary, a bipedal gentleman never covets the seating of a gentlemen of the wheeled-class.

On Eyjafjallajökull

2010-04-16T14:05:00.000-07:00

While a gentlemen will no doubt be inconvenienced by the disruption of his busy international travel schedule, he must acknowledge that few causes for the cancellation of aero-travel are more dignified than being trapped under a two-thousand mile plume of sulfurous volcanic ash.

On Valid Excuses

2010-04-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

A gentleman is always honest and forthright when diarrhea has interfered with his professional duties, particularly if this occurs early in his tenure of employment.

On Prudence

2010-04-12T08:33:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never clones velociraptors.

On Some Things Being Sacred

2010-04-11T12:11:00.000-07:00

A gentleman, particularly if he has been entrusted with the hallowed duty of calling a base-ball contest on television or radio, would sooner throw himself to a pack of rabid wolverines than verbally acknowledge the existence of an in-progress no-hitter.

On Dolce Far Niente

2010-04-09T13:31:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not chillax.

On Gastronomy

2010-04-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

A gentleman understands that the chimichanga is the most declassé of all tortilla-based Mexican delicacies.

On Sources

2010-04-05T08:43:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never cites USA Today.

On Certainties

2010-04-01T08:49:00.001-07:00

A gentleman never suggests to a familial relation that it would be better, for tax purposes, if they were dead.

On Writing Checks Your Lexicon Can't Cash

2010-04-01T08:19:00.000-07:00

A gentleman values wit and pleasant discourse above all; therefore, he quotes from "Top Gun" sparingly but, when the moment is right, without fail.

On Location

2010-03-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

A gentleman always bases his separatist militia in a state bordering Canada.

On Local Dialects

2010-03-09T09:29:00.000-08:00

Avoiding pretension, a gentleman knows to always pronounce Qatar how it is fucking spelled.

On Nomenclature

2009-12-15T19:33:00.000-08:00

A gentleman does not nickname his personal sexual technique "the hurry-up offense."

On Holiday Greetings

2009-12-14T07:48:00.000-08:00

No matter how strongly he feels about the commercialization of the holiday season, a gentleman should never include the phrase "Kneel Before Your Capitalist Crypto-God, Benthamite!" on his family Christmas card.

On Self-Improvement

2009-12-12T13:03:00.000-08:00

A gentleman may not avoid listening to "The Man in the Mirror" simply because it will cause him to rethink his licentious and profligate lifestyle.

On Uncertainty

2009-12-11T13:24:00.000-08:00

Should a gentleman have a bout of flatulence during his morning's showering regime, but for a fleeting instance should he relish the strange juxtaposition of stench and steam.

On Economies of Scale

2009-12-04T07:13:00.000-08:00

An amaretto sour is not an appropriate drink for a respectable gentleman.

However, should a gentleman successfully consume a vessel of said beverage more than twice the volume of his stomach, he will have returned, by a circuitous route, to the realm of respectability.

On Exceptions Proving the Rule

2009-12-03T08:16:00.000-08:00

When leveling blanket accusations of buggery or cowardice at the denizens of France -- as will, from time to time, be appropriate -- a gentleman always carefully exempts both the Marquis de Lafayette and the members of Daft Punk from any and all such insinuations.

On Prudence

2009-12-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

No matter how new and glittering the facilities, a gentleman never defecates in a National Foot-Ball League stadium.

On Comestibles

2009-11-28T16:35:00.000-08:00

Out of respect for the prevailing norms of a civilised society and to avoid adding insult to injury, a gentleman should abstain from giving golden showers if he has consumed asparagus within the past three days.

On Inequality

2009-11-25T06:20:00.000-08:00

In most parts of the world, a gentleman does not travel by rickshaw, this mode of transport being an unseemly manifestation of the social ill of inequality.

However, this prohibition does not apply in certain Asiatic regions, where man-powered transportation comports well with the social norms of Confucianism, and is thus to be greatly preferred.

On the Division between Style and Substance

2009-11-23T16:16:00.000-08:00

A gentleman does not allow his distaste for one-party states, violations of the Geneva Convention, or egregious kleptocracy to cloud his appreciation for the stylish accessories of a Third World dictator.

On Tète-à-Tètes

2009-11-22T16:17:00.000-08:00

When engaged in conversation, a gentleman should not describe his experience as a prisoner of war within the first two minutes of the colloquy.

On the Giving of Thanks

2009-11-18T23:06:00.000-08:00

A gentleman always deep-fries his turducken.

On Typography

2009-11-17T23:38:00.000-08:00

Reserving such indiscretions only for the boorish masses, a gentleman's favourite font ought not be helvetica.

On Sustenance

2009-11-06T09:43:00.000-08:00

While in attendance at a lecture by a noted scholar, a gentleman is not at liberty to eat dry Cheerios from a Ziploc bag.

On Decorum

2009-11-05T18:56:00.001-08:00

Even if a gentleman's favourite sports team has had the supremely good fortune of capturing a world championship, he must take great pains not to turn his online forum for gentlemanly maxims into a setting for unseemly bragadoccio.

On Hubris

2009-11-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

A gentleman never claims to have figured out Mariano Rivera.

On Intellectual Property

2009-10-30T10:47:00.000-07:00

Regardless of its unparalleled excellence, a gentlemen ought not seek a patent on his specific style of masturbation.

On Difficult Decisions

2009-10-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

While a gentleman may propound sundry valid reasons for terminating relations with a member of the fairer sex, a disagreement on the enduring impact of the Marshall Plan does not number among them.

On Fiscal Responsibility

2009-10-26T18:35:00.001-07:00

If a gentleman should find himself in the unenviable position of frequenting a lady of the night, he should not treat such a lady to hotel accommodations above that of a Radisson.

On Seduction

2009-10-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

No matter how firm his grasp of analytical philosophy, a gentleman does not attempt to woo a lady by deducing, from first principles, that reproductive labor is socially necessary.

On Nonproliferation

2009-10-22T10:58:00.000-07:00

Unlike noveau nuclear powers, which test their pedestrian weaponry in the suitably vulgar setting of an underground cavern, a gentleman always tests his thermonuclear warheads at an atoll or archipelago.

On Accessories

2009-10-20T15:07:00.000-07:00

While men of lesser taste expend considerable sums on gifts of fur and jewels, a gentleman knows that no accessory enhances a fetching lady's charms more than a sturdy biplane.

On Graceful Aging

2009-10-20T08:42:00.000-07:00

When attending to his daily grooming and hygiene regime, a gentleman ought not ruminate on the various ways he is beginning to resemble his grandmother.

On Honour

2009-10-19T20:29:00.001-07:00

Because forthrightness is a cherished virtue amongst men of letters and good honour, a gentleman must take great pains to only commit acts of cuckoldry whilst videotaping the tawdry deeds.

Commissioning a portrait to memorialize the event also suffices.

On Envy and Admiration

2009-10-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not player-hate Zeus.

On Truth and Falsity

2009-10-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not partake in the spurious fallacy that the cast of television's "Everybody Loves Raymond" is also Ray Romano's biological family.

On Musical Accompaniment

2009-10-13T18:06:00.000-07:00

A gentleman should not know the market rate for thirty minutes of accordion play.

On the Long Arm of the Law

2009-10-13T06:57:00.000-07:00

In seeking to evade extradition, a gentleman never relies too heavily on the goodwill of Francophone Europe.

On Puppetry

2009-10-12T09:31:00.001-07:00

While accusations of buggery directed at Bert & Ernie, Big Bird & Snuffaluffagus, or Beaker & Dr. Bunsen are occasionally appropriate and even well-founded, a gentleman never cavalierly lumps Statler & Waldorf into such discussions.

On Speculation

2009-10-12T06:40:00.000-07:00

Restraining his natural mental wanderings, a gentleman limits his ruminations on what would happen if he farted into the Large Hadron Collider to a few minutes a day.

On Man's Fascination With Flight

2009-10-09T09:30:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not question the historical or scientific veracity of The Rocketeer.

On Careful Word Choice

2009-10-07T23:11:00.001-07:00

In the course of the courtship ritual, a gentleman should never utter the words "loop of normative heterosexuality," regardless of the likelihood of its existence.

On the Commencement of Hostilities

2009-10-06T06:50:00.000-07:00

Should a gentleman discover that his roommate's cat has excreted in his bed, he must acknowledge that war between man and beast has been declared, and that the feline is now his sworn adversary.

In such a case, a gentleman will be in need of the proper martial metaphor with which to communicate the scale of the outrage thus perpetrated. Should the incident be one of urination, the gentleman may compare himself to the United States of America, the cat to Japan, and the urination to the bombing of Pearl Harbor. However, should the gentleman discover instead the creature's feces, the proper analogy is as follows: the gentleman is the Republic of China; the feline, Japan; and the defecation, the Rape of Nanking.

On Historical Revisionism

2009-10-05T19:59:00.000-07:00

A gentleman ought not speculate on the girth of Abraham Lincoln's genitalia.

On Forgiveness

2009-10-05T07:03:00.000-07:00

Yea, though Emilio Estevez strike him on the right cheek, a gentleman turns to him the other cheek as well.

On Touring European Capitals

2009-10-02T06:32:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not "T.P." the Bundestag.

On Diplomacy

2009-10-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

Regardless of his personal predilections, a gentleman never expresses a clear preference for Togo over neighboring Benin, nor does he declare the contrary. This small measure of prudence foments felicitous and amicable relationships with dignitaries and statesmen of both nations.

On Post-Secondary Education

2009-10-01T10:34:00.000-07:00

A gentleman's primary topic of inquiry should never be sociology.

On What's For Dinner

2009-10-01T08:30:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never suggests crepes.

On the Precise Language

2009-09-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Venerating irrefragable lucidity in prose, a gentleman ought not avail himself of the employ of "emoticons," unless engaged in written communiques with those members of the fairer sex of a Japanese or Korean ancestry.

On Water Cooler Chats

2009-09-30T07:49:00.000-07:00

In discussions with professional colleagues, a gentleman never likens his recent trip to Burning Man to the Bhagavad-Gita, no matter how lucid and compelling the comparison.

On Explanations

2009-09-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not attempt to use game theory to justify his romantic infidelities to a member of the fairer sex.

On Infectious Disease

2009-09-29T17:54:00.000-07:00

When a gentleman finds himself coughing in a public space, it is polite to announce to his peers that his deep, bronchial cough stems not from infection with the porcine virus, but rather from the consumption of a massive bong load consumed earlier that morning.

On Mourning

2009-09-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not drink a protein shake at a funeral.

On Millenery

2009-09-28T09:36:00.000-07:00

Whilst a Caucasian gentleman should never don the traditional cowboy hat of the American Southwest in public, the very same chapeau can be quite becoming on his gentlemanly counterparts of the Mexican persuasion.

On Attraction

2009-09-24T06:38:00.000-07:00

So as not to stoke feelings of inadequacy among his lady-friends, a gentleman never divulges if, and under what circumstances, he would have relations with the three-breasted woman from Total Recall.

On Chronology

2009-09-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

Whenever possible, it becomes a gentleman considerably to measure the passage of time in "moons."

On Accountability

2009-07-05T19:43:00.001-07:00

A gentleman never blames his geographical error on the Mercator projection.

On Medical Diagnoses

2009-05-10T11:19:00.000-07:00

A gentlemen ought not use the internet to search for the symptoms of HIV.

On Implications

2009-05-06T21:23:00.000-07:00

A gentleman feels slightly racist when he writes the word "Nigerian."

On Youngsters

2009-04-28T17:08:00.000-07:00

Even if it is nothing more than a restatement of evident fact, a gentleman never informs a mother that her daughter is "developing early."

On Fluid Conversation

2009-04-28T05:00:00.000-07:00

If engaged in a banal conversation about the current housing crisis, a gentleman should compare its severity unfavorably with that of the Dutch Tulip Bubble of 1637. He may then artfully pivot the discussion towards his own ribald excursions to the Nether-Lands.

On Romance

2009-04-27T21:18:00.000-07:00

A gentleman ought not engage in a threesome with two females if one of said damsel's maiden-head is still intact, unless, of course, it is St. Valentine's Day.

On Modesty

2009-04-23T11:14:00.001-07:00

Though a gentleman scholar may be one of America's foremost experts on the law of sodomy, during the period of courtship he ought to refrain from mentioning this fact until the fourth date, or until after the first instance of sodomy, whichever comes first.

On the Blind Leading the Blind

2009-04-23T11:11:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not get bought out by FIAT.

On Decorum

2009-04-22T21:07:00.000-07:00

A gentleman should use masturbation as a means of procrastination no more than thrice daily. However, if a gentleman's livelihood should force him to spend his days in a oft-trafficked office-suite, then his daily quota should be lowered to twice.

On the Duality of Man

2009-04-22T11:29:00.000-07:00

If a competition were held to find the Twentieth Century's Ugliest and Most Gentlemanly Gentleman, in which ugliness and gentlemanliness were equally weighted criteria, the winner would be Joey Ramone.

On Robotics

2009-04-22T00:48:00.000-07:00

Despite its unfortunate name, a gentleman should not mentally harvest those young men participating in the National Football League Combine.

On Ratites

2009-04-21T09:23:00.000-07:00

All large flightless birds are gentlemanly, but only the emu is gentlemanly enough to bear the shield on a nation's coat of arms.

On Tall Tales

2009-04-20T09:34:00.000-07:00

When regaling cohorts with tales of his sexual exploits, if a gentleman has had the great fortune of partaking in a threesome with the company of two females, it is considered customary - when retelling the tale - to enhance the relative attractiveness of the damsels by as many as 3 basis points on the unified ten-point scale, so as to provide a more favourable mental impression for his comrades. Four points, however, would be an unseemly abuse of discretion.

On Wise Investments

2009-04-20T07:53:00.000-07:00

A gentleman likes his petroleum futures the same way he likes his women: light, sweet, and crude.

On Indifference

2009-04-16T15:27:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not give a fuck how many calories are in his beer.

On Humility

2009-04-15T13:30:00.001-07:00

A gentleman laments his littleness before the awesome spectacle of marine mammals.

On Internet Commerce

2009-04-15T09:57:00.000-07:00

A gentleman always maintains two email account -- one for business related transactions and communiques with acquaintances, the other to catalogue passwords and communications from hardcore porn sites.

On One's Social Status

2009-04-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

When assessing one's standing or worth within a society, a gentleman does not tally the number of acquaintances he might deem to be friends nor the number of well-wishes received annually on his date of birth. Instead, a gentleman's metric for appraising his life's station is to gauge, if a gentleman were to die quietly in the comfort of his residence, the length of time necessary for another party to find his decomposing corpse.

On Astute Observations

2009-04-14T06:00:00.000-07:00

When a gentleman spies a lady reading a glossy periodical, the cover of which features the word "sex" (or some variation thereof) four or more times, he can be assured that the lady thus observed is as ripe for conquest as was the New World in the year 1500.

On Titular Appropriateness

2009-04-13T09:55:00.000-07:00

When naming his professional sports franchise, a gentleman knows that the team's title should always reflect the fruits of the most prosperous local industry, with a special preference granted to a given locale's textile or metal-working trades.

On Accusatory Statements

2009-04-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

A gentleman carefully considers the consequences before publicly accusing a colleague of being a feudalist.

On Condolences

2009-04-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

A gentleman need not send condolences to an acquaintance upon the passing of a beloved koi fish, unless of course the late fish was of the prized utsurimono variety, in which case sending a floral arrangement or a personalized haiku is appropriate.

On Athleticism

2009-04-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

No method of obtaining points in a basket-ball contest is more gentlemanly than the skyhook.

On Shapeliness

2009-04-10T08:21:00.000-07:00

A gentleman likes large posteriors and, as concerns this matter, is incapable of making a false utterance.

On Adherence to Tradition

2009-04-09T12:14:00.000-07:00

Albeit a more traditional method of consumption, a gentleman should abstain from chewing his tobacco, as smoking the leaf is a mark of exceptional refinement. It goes without saying, however, that the most traditional method of consumption is to place small bushels of the leaf within the anus, and a gentleman may enjoy the splendours of tobacco via this course as he sees fit.

On Expertise

2009-04-09T11:00:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never contradicts a Laplander on matters concerning cod.

On Recreation

2009-04-09T10:23:00.000-07:00

A gentleman does not "folf."

On Time Management

2009-04-08T15:08:00.000-07:00

When competing on the television programme Supermarket Sweep, a gentleman never stops to grind a bag of coffee, preferring instead to collect the maximum number of hams.

On Addiction

2009-04-08T15:01:00.000-07:00

A gentleman knows his opium habit is becoming a problem when it begins to adversely affect his gambling.

On Refining One's Decadence

2009-04-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

When choosing a gerbil for the purpose of use in sex acts,
a gentleman prefers gerbillus gerbillus, also known as the lesser Egyptian gerbil, to the more commonly available meriones unguiculatus, or Mongolian gerbil.

On Olfactory Recognition

2009-04-07T09:39:00.000-07:00

While it is polite to comment upon a lady's pleasing scent in certain circumstances, when a gentleman finds himself both in close quarters - say, in an elevator, a narrow hallway, or in various forms of public transit - with a damsel whose acquaintance he has not had the pleasure of making and he can discern the aromatic fragrance of said fair maiden, a gentleman aught not whisper from behind the lady, "I can smell you."

On Seduction

2009-04-06T09:03:00.000-07:00

A gentleman never discusses Schopenhauer on the first date.