On True Sportsmanship

A gentleman who attends his child's junior sporting event must always remember to bring along a well-refrigerated horse placenta for timely application to sprains, pulled muscles, and other common sports injuries. It is also appropriate for a gentleman to notify other spectators that he will be providing a placenta. This is courteous and eliminates the possibility of redundant placentae.

On the Genus Limulus

One might think that, due to its unusual appearance, primitive evolutionary status, and inability to right itself when flipped onto its back, there is something ungentlemanly about the Atlantic horseshoe crab.


Such an assumption would be incorrect.

On Financial Literacy

Contrary to baseless stereotypes, a gentleman values the advice of the fairer sex on all matters financial.

Unless, of course, the lady fails to maintain adequate under-arm hygiene, in which case her financial advice should only be sought if she is of Prussian ancestry.

On Monetary Policy

A gentleman never depicts another country's monarch on his national currency.

On Notable Quotables

Much as passion may overtake him, a gentleman must never shout out "semper sic tyrannis!" at the moment of climax. This is particularly important when engaging in coitus after the canine fashion.

On Straight Stunting

As there are few aphrodisiacs more potent than the scents of danger and masculine ox-rump, a gentleman is not above "ghost-riding the oxcart" in order to impress a female acquaintance.

On Maximum Slayage

Because he values maximum slayage, a gentleman's preferred axe should be the Flying V.


The Sousaphone finishes a close second, while the dulcimer rounds out the top three.

On Maintaining One's Sense of Wonder

At minimum, a gentleman's daily routine should include two to three minutes spent quietly contemplating the power of ghosts to compose and send e-mails.

On Guilt by Association

A gentleman must never consume wine which has come into direct contact with beef jerky, unless of course the potable is of a boxed vintage.

On Paraplegia

Yea, though the days stretch long and the feet grow weary, a bipedal gentleman never covets the seating of a gentlemen of the wheeled-class.